It Wasn’t Me! Addressing Barriers to Apology In Family Mediation.
/When confronted with a concern about our behavior in daily life, many of us are initially reluctant to admit any wrongdoing. Whether it is an adult driver pulling away from a newly scratched car or a kid with crumbs all over their shirt near a box of empty cookies, ask if they did it and the first answer will likely be, “No.” But taking responsibility and offering apologies (when appropriate and done well) can be important to successfully resolving conflict- especially in family mediation where workable long-term relationships are key.
How can family members or the professionals helping them best address reluctance to take accountability and apologize where it pops up as a barrier in mediation? One approach is to think like a mediator and get curious: What makes it so hard to apologize? How might that inform the most productive next steps? Here are five common examples to illustrate how this might work.
Is it hard to apologize because it feels GOOD not to?
In an episode of the podcast Hidden Brain, host Shankar Vedantam spoke with Psychologist Tyler Okimoto, PhD, Professor at the University of Queensland Australia, about his research on barriers to apologizing. Dr. Okimoto shared that one reason people may resist apologizing is that it can feel good to withhold an apology. As he explained, subjects in his study who refused to apologize showed, “a short-term boost in their reported self-esteem. They actually felt better about themselves following a refusal to apologize.” Hidden Brain, Transcript.
Exploring this short-term self-confidence effect, Dr. Okimoto observed that by apologizing, “in a way, you’re handing over the opportunity for forgiveness to the other person”, whereas, by withholding an apology, “it gives you a bit of a feeling of increased power and control in that situation.” Hidden Brain, Transcript.
This burst of self-esteem may be hard to voluntarily give away, especially in the context of a soul rattling family matter like divorce, where people often feel at their most diminished and powerless. However, that short-term benefit often comes with significant costs, for example, keeping parties locked in conflict (which research tells us can be especially detrimental where children are involved). When these costs get unreasonably high, what can be done?
One possible approach is to look for a way to re-conceptualize the idea of an apology to better support the feelings of control and self-worth of the apologizer (diminishing the need to withhold an apology). For example, as a way to:
Show strength. After all it is harder and often takes a higher level of maturity to apologize than to withhold.
Maintain power and control. Choosing to let our own sense of right and wrong guide our behavior, without getting tripped up by the demands of others or our fears about their reactions, is a power move!
A shift in the potential apologizer’s understanding of what an apology means (in particular about themselves) might just be the key to removing a barrier to apology based on temporary good feelings from withholding.
Trail marker: Like closing your eyes when you sneeze while driving, you are not always well served by your reflexive reactions. By aligning your actions with your own standards and needs, you may find renewed confidence in your own choices, and end up with better results.
2. Is it hard to apologize because a party is not sorry?
Sometimes a party in mediation knows they caused harm but feel wholly justified- no regrets. Other times, a party may be sorry to see the other person’s pain but feel confident that they are not to blame. Either way, why apologize? Hollow apologies are generally ineffective and may add to the hurt. Decision made, right?
But then comes the catch: It can be hard to break a social rule other people feel is in play- even if we believe it does not apply. A family member withholding apology may find themselves somehow still stuck, because, for example, they:
Feel guilty for disappointing a family member who feels so strongly that they deserve an apology; or
Are viewed in such a negative light by their family member for withholding the apology (as selfish or hardhearted, etc.) that compromise remains out of reach.
What then?
One option is to look for other ways the party declining to apologize can meet some of the needs an apology might have answered for the would-be receiver. For example, if the main function of an apology would have been to repair a relationship, the party declining to apologize might instead:
Find other ways to repair core relationship values, like trust. For example, research suggests that acknowledging sadness or disappointment over an unwanted circumstance- pain, harm- without assuming culpability can help rebuild trust. E.g., “This is so hard- neither of us ever expected to be here.”
But be careful! A genuine expression of remorse about a situation that sounds like a disingenuous apology will miss the mark.
Focus on affirming the importance of the relationship. Being truly listened to (without interruption or debate) can create a powerful experience of connection. And luckily, listening does not require agreement! Just attentiveness and presence.
Trail marker: Apologies are important tools but they are not the only option. A little consideration of what the function of an apology would be for the RECEIVER can help identify the best alternatives.
3. Is it hard to apologize because of a power imbalance?
Maybe the desire to reduce conflict or meet social roles and expectations has caused one person to apologize first more often in the past- creating a power imbalance. Maybe this dynamic became so entrenched apologies became automatic- just a quick “I’m sorry” no matter who did what, undermining the apologizer’s self-confidence while eliciting nothing productive from the other person. If so NOT apologizing (in mediation, or maybe anywhere or anytime!) may be a necessary course correction for the relationship.
If that is the case, a helpful next step might be to practice what to say INSTEAD of an apology during mediation. For example, “Thank you” instead of “I’m sorry” (e.g., “Thank you for your time” instead of “I am so sorry I am taking your time”).
Trail marker: Part of a mediator’s role is to help even out power imbalances in the room. But this is not work they can do alone! With the autonomy parties enjoy in mediation comes a responsibility: thoughtfulness about the dynamics their choices bring to the room.
A key part of many family mediations is creating new communication expectations for the future. Your part of the process may just be breaking your own habits!
4. Is it hard to apologize first?
Maybe a family member is holding out on apologizing until they get an apology first. After all they experienced hurt too. Maybe the other person was even more out of line! If this is the case, it may be worthwhile to consider: What is lost by placing such a high value on receiving the first apology?
Without diminishing the potential power of an apology to move parties out of an impasse, it is also important to recognize that our expectation of the benefit we will receive from an apology is often greater than the benefit we actually feel once we have an apology in hand. A bit like a planning a garage sale, excited for what someone might pay for our valued item, and then finding after the sale it was not worth the hours spent organizing. Might you have just given the items to a good cause if you had known? What did you miss by holding out?
Consider honestly: What is lost by placing a high value on receiving an apology first? Is it worth the wait (even if it never comes)? How much harm (body/mind) is staying locked in conflict causing?
In her memoir about growing up on the run in a family headed by a violent conman, author Cheryl Diamond shared a hard-won insight on some of the possible costs of waiting for an apology:
“When I was furious, battling against the injustice of it all, I made myself dependent on the very ones who hurt me. On them apologizing, on them somehow setting me free…But ever after, it’s been me who has been holding on. It’s me who has been refusing to let myself be free… The difference between heaven and hell is simple: It’s not what happens to us, it’s not what other people do- it’s what we choose to hold on to.”
-- Cheryl Diamond, Nowhere Girl – A Memoir of a Fugitive Childhood (pgs. 281 and 307).
Trail marker: When someone apologizes for their part in a conflict they often open the door to a return apology. But even if the other person never walks through that door, there is still value in understanding what other costs may arise by choosing not to open it.
There is a power in going second when it comes to apology. But there is ALSO a power in going first (or even alone). Deliberately weighing the choices can help clarify the issue.
5. Is it hard to apologize because of fear or hopelessness?
Often parties in mediation are held back by fear that apologizing will open them up to new harm: criticism, shame. Other times, they feel helpless, exactly what would be the point? Their experiences in this relationship suggest nothing will gained. What next?
The Parenting Plan Workbook, by Co-Parenting Coach Karen Bonnell, MS, and family law attorney Felicia Malsby Soleil, JD, offers a useful mental framework for approaching this and other tricky family work: try reframing the party’s view of the relationship from that of family members or former intimate partners to something more like a business relationship (in the shared venture of raising children or whatever else they hope to accomplish). Perched from that more pragmatic vantage point, a party might be able to find a solution by considering: How would I productively respond to errors/mistakes of colleagues in a work environment- especially where I know I will be at this job for years to come?
As it turns out, there is a treasure trove of information about how teams can effectively handle mistakes in the workplace that arguably translates well into the family environment. Work by renowned human relations researcher Amy Edmondson, PhD, Professor of Leadership and Management at Harvard Business School, has shown that the most effective teams cultivate a culture of psychological safety that promotes candor by:
Accepting that some mistakes are inevitable instead of demanding no errors;
Removing stigma and other penalties of erring; and
Creating a collaborative environment for learning when errors are raised.
Where this culture of psychological safety is created, the team’s overall performance soars. No need for fear or shame and errors are not an endpoint but a place to grow from.
Similarly, for family members who are afraid to admit mistakes under their current relationship dynamic or who feel there is no point as nothing will change, focusing forward on cultivating a culture of psychological safety (before trying an apology) might provide a path forward. This might include modifying a range of expectations and behaviors, for example:
Assuming good intentions;
Encouraging questions;
Making room for incomplete ideas;
Avoiding shaming, criticism, and micromanagement;
Sharing rather than hoarding information; and/or
Focusing on mutual understanding.
And these are just a start. For a deeper dive, the weekly newsletter Psychological Safety provides a helpful roundup of the behaviors and other factors that can make a difference in a business context, many of which arguably translate pretty directly to a family trying to cultivate a similar culture. Even if these behaviors change on just one side, they have the potential to create forward movement on many issues, not just apologies.
Trail marker: At each stage- as new families form, children come, grow, and leave the nest, parents age, etc., families continually redefine acceptable behaviors and shared expectations. Though changes in relationship culture are not the work of a single day, mindfulness about an end goal can make a difference.
It is worth noting that mediation can be a particularly good environment (private, supported, etc.) for taking steps toward resetting relationship norms. Communication is a common agenda item in mediation. Priming the pump with specific ideas about how to move forward is a great starting point!
Trail marker: For co-parents in the post-divorce period, remember that mediation is still available as a tool! You may find you save a lot of time, frustration, and money by coming back to the mediation table, rather than trying to work out issues by text, parenting app, or endless returns to court!
As a family’s culture comes to embrace more aspects of psychological safety, they may well find they are ready to take a look back and apologize (if still needed!) for mistakes past, or just go forward with a new confidence that problems can be better handled in the future.
There are many potential barriers to apology- the examples above are just a start. Some of these are worth surmounting to give the special opportunities of apology a chance in mediation, some are not. Either way, understanding why it is hard to apologize may help unlock the best next step.
Your thoughts and comments below are welcome! Helping families thrive through different phases and configurations is what Trailhead Mediation is all about. Contact us today for additional assistance!